The Most Midwestern States, Ranked

October 1, 2014 - accent chair

The Most Midwestern States, Ranked

Time for your weekly book of a Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email a Funbag. Today, we’re covering a Simmons suspension, jury duty, a O.J. follow on shrooms, and more.

Your letters…


I’m from Minnesota, and my roommate is from Indiana, and both of us cruise a state is a many Midwestern state. Can we give us a list of many Midwestern states, ranked?

I can, nonetheless I’m biased, given I’m from Minnesota, and we have tough time meditative of a whiter, some-more passive-aggressive various of amiability than your customary Minnesotan. Here is my list. Please note that we have enclosed a Plains States here, even nonetheless we cruise a Plains States are their possess graphic code of freakshow.

1. Wisconsin.
They have a girth, a boiled foodstuffs, and a accent. Plus they aren’t as bleak as Minnesotans are. Minnesota is famous for lakes, and Wisconsin is famous for cheese, and cheese is a approach some-more Midwestern thing than lakes.

2. Minnesota.
My home state is a worst. Also, a many famous film set in Minnesota isn’t even named after Minnesota, that is weird.

3. Iowa. It’s all finished of corn, right? Even a people are finished of corn.

4. Indiana
. “We’re customarily elementary folk spin here (roots for a white male on any basketball team).”

5. North Dakota.
Of a dual Dakotas, North Dakota is approach some-more Midwestern. South Dakota has a Badlands and aged bullion mines and all kinds of cold Western limit shit; North Dakota customarily has Tom Brokaw vocalization to we by a clouds as we expostulate by it.

6. Nebraska.
I grew adult with a aged Big Ten, so we still don’t unequivocally accept Nebraska as a genuine partial of a Midwest, even nonetheless a people here are stoic adequate and tedious adequate to qualify. “‘Round here, we don’t tell a kids we adore them. That’s for lofty folk.”

7. Michigan.
Detroit kinda cancels out a some-more Midwestern tools of a state, that is too bad, given we contend that “the Michigan” is underrated as distant as horrible Midwestern accents go.

8. Illinois.
Chicago creates Illinois approach cooler than any other Midwest state. We should airlift Chicago and put it down somewhere improved than a fucking arctic breeze farm. If we took Chicago divided and left customarily a “AW JEEZ GUYS” tools of a state where Leitch is from, Illinois would arrange approach higher.

9. Kansas.
Not a Midwest. It’s customarily crazy, Oklahoma-type people.

10. South Dakota.
See North Dakota.

11. Missouri.
Also not a Midwest. It’s a South now. They’ve shot adequate unarmed minorities to qualify.

12. Ohio.
Like Pennsylvania, Ohio is a possess batshit-crazy thing. we don’t even cruise of Ohio as being American. we don’t wish to get any Ohio on me.

To me, Midwestern people are white and tedious and have awful ambience in food. Hence, Wisconsin and Minnesota.


What’s a best approach to get out of jury duty? At first, we suspicion it was customarily plain sanctimonious to be racist, nonetheless I’m going to college full-time, and that seems to be a best forgive so far, given they can’t make we work around your schedule.

I have weaseled out of jury avocation twice in my life (once was grand jury duty, that we REALLY do not want), and we can tell we that judges could give half a fuck if your jury use interferes with your work or category schedules. They have listened any singular forgive from any singular asshole, and it pleases them to nuisance your greedy ass. If we were a judge, I’d force customarily a busiest people to serve. The customarily approach we get out of jury avocation is by ideal luck. The numbers are customarily on your side, so we customarily have to lay there and urge that they don’t collect you, or that they do collect we and afterwards find we naturally repellent adequate to boot you.

Because many of a time, people don’t have a haughtiness to announce themselves extremist in front of a judge. Not customarily are we lying, nonetheless we will shockingly not wish people to cruise we are racist! And we will feel like a terrible American (because we are). The final time we got out of jury duty, we went to a Maryland building and they showed a taped video from a famous counsel on TV (I can’t remember who it was, presumably Sam Waterston) who talked about a nationalistic avocation to offer on a jury of your peers. And as asocial as we am, we watched that video and felt like shit for wanting to get out of there. we did a full 180. we was prepared to serve, man.

Then they brought us into a courtroom for voir dire and we altered my mind immediately. They told us a hearing would final WEEKS given it concerned a male indicted of intimately assaulting his neighbor’s children, that OH HOLY SHIT THE WORLD IS HORRIBLE. A clerk got adult and asked a jury pool a array of questions, such as, “Do we know a defendant?” and “Are we not a citizen of a United States?” and “Are we armed right now?” (At one point, they asked if any of a jury pool members knew any other, and one dude looked during me and lifted his palm and a clerk asked how we knew any other, and we said, “I write for a few places, and we cruise he reads some of my stuff,” nonetheless that wasn’t loyal AT ALL. This guy’s child went to propagandize with my kid, and we hadn’t famous him. “Oh, we write?” he asked me. I’ve never felt like such a dipshit. we should be shot into fucking space.)

Anytime people lifted their palm to one of a clerk’s questions, they would get called adult to a dais to speak to a judge, with a attorneys station nearby. And they incited on a white sound appurtenance so that a rest of a jury pool couldn’t hear a conversation. It was a weirdest shit ever. we attempted to review lips, nonetheless it was no use. If we unequivocally wish to offer on a jury, we never lift your palm for any of these questions. At one point, we did lift my palm and was called adult in method to explain my past confront with a child molester (which was a loyal story). we also snuck in that we was a bustling male and had many children of my possess to tend to, and that carrying children finished me not like child molesters. The decider gave NO fucks, during all.

I sat behind down, and afterwards they began to rigourously chair a jury. we was called into a box. we was gonna be juror #1. There is a grave denunciation to justice record that we do not understand, so when a prosecutor authorized of my presence, she pronounced something like “The juror is obsequiated.” It all happened unequivocally fast. we was confused. And afterwards a invulnerability counsel traded whispers with his customer (who TOTALLY looked guilty) and pronounced he rigourously protested my selection. Then they kicked me out of a box, and we was finished for a day. we don’t have to offer again for 10 years.

The invulnerability never tells we given they intent to your presence. I’d like to cruise they were frightened off by my good looks and Jeterian dignified rectitude. They could not hoop my truth. we would have boiled that bastard. Anyway, don’t worry perplexing to get out of jury duty. If they wish you, they will explain you.


How do we know that this Bill Simmons/ESPN difference isn’t a page from WWE? Think about it: Say Simmons wanted to go on vacation for a few weeks. The storyline pops up: ESPN is a immorality residence rub-down a ego that is a NFL. The common folk are vocalization up, nonetheless don’t have a hero. In stairs Bill! Bill breaks opposite his employer, stands for a common man, gains tons of new followers/readers, and afterwards he gets “banned” for 3 weeks.

I cruise there’s some of that to his suspension. It was a “real” suspension, nonetheless he apparently knew that adventurous his bosses to fortify him would outcome in his being disciplined, given ESPN is a arrange of place where articulate out of spin is regarded as pretentious and unprofessional. WE SIMPLY DON’T DO THOSE THINGS HERE AT ESPN. They always like to cruise themselves above a fray. Meanwhile, Stephen A. Smith is creation fart noises during Skip Bayless from inside a gray box.

Anyway, Leitch put it best when he pronounced Simmons likes to be with ESPN nonetheless not deliberate of ESPN. He likes all a income and resources and bearing that ESPN provides, nonetheless he doesn’t wish to be seen as one of a crook drones operative there. He wants to be PUNK, man. That’s given he got his possess boutique site with writers he can collect and put in his small prize case, and he gets to fake that a site doesn’t advantage from carrying a ESPN-traffic glow hose trustworthy to it. The fact that Simmons operates subsequent to old-school hot-take morons like Wilbon and Cowherd creates his shit seem twice as fresh.

So what improved time to get dangling than right before a commencement of a NBA season? Simmons has a new Grantland TV show entrance out subsequent month (!) that doesn’t seem to be in any danger of being scuttled, and he already told Richard “Thirsty” Deitsch that doing TV tired him and his family. It’s a ideal time for him to rest up, and for ESPN to demeanour like it’s being all active with lax cannons and shit. You can make a “real” preference to postpone a male while still being wakeful of a preference for all parties involved. And carrying Simmons around advantages ESPN given he is their indication sports fan. ESPN is structured to favour windbag sports fans, and there is no bigger sports windbag than that guy. They wish EVERY fan to be a Simmons.

I dunno given Simmons would leave ESPN when they compensate him millions, and have an whole web infrastructure built to underline him, and they put him on TV, and they let him executive-produce cinema and shit. With ESPN, he gets to starfuck to his heart’s content, and he can customarily keep doing all probable to make himself demeanour awesome. Even when he had to apologize for a whole Dr. V fiasco, Simmons was still pulling how overwhelming Grantland was (“We wish to heed ourselves by being courteous and entertaining. We wish to keep startling people. We wish to keep holding risks. That’s one of a reasons given we combined Grantland … Just about any author we have is underneath 40 years old. Many of them are underneath 30. we am a third-oldest writer, as crazy as that sounds”). He does flattering many all longing and awaiting validation, so we don’t design this cessation to be any different. He substantially spent all weekend wearing a motorcycle coupler with a crate of cigarettes rolled adult in his t-shirt.


What happens if Derek Jeter announces he’s entrance out of retirement to play one some-more season?

I will kill him personally. You have my word.

By a way, it’s not out of a area of probability that Jeter would come back. All of these timid pros speak a good diversion about withdrawal on their possess terms, and afterwards another deteriorate rolls around, and they’re all sitting during home meditative GOD MY LIFE IS SO EMPTY, and afterwards they come behind given they have zero else to do. Jeter could do that. Everyone wants to be relevant. Everyone wants to matter. The Yankees have a vast costly track that no one can means to go to, so they’d have no problem branch to YEAH JEETS to boost assemblage again. Every Yankees fan slobs Jeter’s doorknob given they know that nonetheless him, a organisation will substantially devolve into a Knicks.

Jeter has also ruled out a career in broadcasting given he doesn’t wish to impugn players. He contingency not watch many ball on TV, given those analysts never impugn anyone. Old athletes like to get into broadcasting given it’s easy, it pays well, and they can get all locker ample with Terry Bradshaw while perplexing on a fit for a FOX NFL Sunday set. It’s a customarily viable surrogate for being behind on a field. Anyway, we gamble Jeter stays late and out of TV, if customarily given afterwards Jeter fanboys will be like OH MY GOD HE’S SO UNKNOWABLE WHAT A CLASS ACT.



The food justice in my building has a cafeteria-type charity where we ramble down a line picking an entree, sides, bread, etc. They offer illusory Southern-style (i.e., finished mostly of butter) biscuits from a vast pan. The biscuits are heavenly.

The problem is, we don’t adore a biscuits baked on a side of a vessel (too crusty), and afterwards a dilemma biscuits with a vessel touching dual sides means a Baby Jesus to cry. How picky should we be in a line? Do we customarily take a biscuit that creates clarity in a sequence, or do we get picky and approach them to a sweet, honeyed biscuit in a middle? we try to be a good guy, and we don’t generally wish to screw over my associate biscuit-lovers, nonetheless we unequivocally don’t wish a biscuits on a edge, and fuck me if we get a dilemma biscuit.

You can take any biscuit we want, so prolonged as we don’t reason adult a smorgasboard line. Period. If we have to mount behind we for 5 mins while we hem and haw over that biscuit to take, we will mind we with my lunch tray. There is zero worse than people who dawdle during a buffet. we wish my fucking food, and we are in a way. Don’t mount there, picking out tater tots one by one. And don’t fucking association with family members as we travel by a line. This is serious. This is business. we will steamroll you.

I am a terrible chairman when watchful for food. we am so unequivocally indignant that we got to a Eggs Benedict before we did. One time, we went to a cookout, and a smorgasboard line was so prolonged that we motionless to customarily chill and wait for it to subside. And we know what? It never did. It customarily kept flourishing and flourishing until all a shitty pizza was taken. I’ve never been so unhappy.


What would occur if a football actor who finished adult during a bottom of a dog raise customarily totally dead into skinny air? Would they uncover an “in memoriam” video before any game, saying, “It’s been 3 years given we final saw (name of player)”? Would they cancel a diversion or customarily postpone it?

I assume CNN would try to find him in a ocean. we cruise it would be so infinite for a actor to disappear into skinny atmosphere that they would customarily keep personification a game. They could replay a disappearance all they like, nonetheless they’d still be acid for a discernible explanation. “He contingency have snuck out somehow when no one noticed,” etc. A sideline contributor would note that Linval Joseph had left AWOL from a track somehow, and a swindling theories wouldn’t unequivocally start in aspiring until a diversion was over. Was it a sinkhole? Was he raptured? Is there some new form of CTE that causes we to tumble down to a singular molecule? Did he impugn Roger Goodell and get “removed” for it? we would trust a many violent speculation probable until they finally found a male stealing underneath a trap doorway during a track and it all incited out to be a vast letdown. Why can’t sorcery exist?

By a way, we’ve had a prolonged run of football analysts being forced to talk about issues outward of football (domestic violence, child abuse, etc.), and it’s always waggish when that happens. They’re so bad during it. It’s like someone needs to interpret it to footballese for Dilfer to understand. “You see, when a football loves another football, nonetheless one football gets angry, infrequently they go to live hit even nonetheless it’s a THUD use … .” They should take a whole Countdown organisation and make them a hosts of Meet a Press.


How aged do we have to be to die too young? As a immature dipshit, we feel like 55 would be good for me.

Technically, we would customarily go by life expectancy. Died before age 76? That is tragic. Died after age 76? NOT BAD! I’m blissful you’re off a roads.

Anecdotally speaking, we still contend that your genocide is customarily comfortless if we left a universe with unprepared business. Like, if we die and we still have a immature kid, that is awful. But if you’re aged and we finished some income and your kids are grown and means to take caring of themselves, we can go right forward and throttle on your calcium supplements. You finished what we started.


When it comes to holding a dump, what time of day do we cruise is a best/most satisfying? Morning pre-shower shit, after-lunch shit, or a late-evening shit?

I like a good shit after breakfast and a morning coffee. You’re customarily waking up. There’s copiousness of time left in a day. No improved impulse to dump trou, bust off a few turtles, and whip out your phone to see what’s going on in a world. Any contented time is a good time to shit. That customarily means in a morning, or maybe after lunch, when work hasn’t ramped behind adult yet. No one likes to shit when there are kids around and everybody is customarily removing prepared to leave for a beach nonetheless we have to be like HANG ON we HAVE TO DO MY BUSINESS and afterwards your mother looks during we humorous and you’re like What do we wish me to do woman, shit in a automobile all over myself?! But we wouldn’t know anything about that.

Also, night shitting sucks, generally removing out of bed to shit. The night is for celebration and sex. Ideally, all fecal business is put to rest before then.


I incited 30 this past June, and given afterwards I’ve incidentally sat on my nuts 3 times. Is this indeed a commencement of a finish or a vicious coincidence?

It gets worse. Try doing jumping jacks now. You’ll destroy yourself. Your nuts will slap we in a face if we try to do them. My flabby old-man balls get in a approach of all these days. Even if we customarily lay down on my stomach, they will find a approach to get crushed. It’s like fibbing on a beanbag chair. Old-man balls are a worst.


I customarily got off a moody where a stewardess giving a customary preflight “your chair can be used as a levity device” oration took an scarcely prolonged postponement after observant “and your nominal in-flight break will be … .” The uncontrollable stress of watchful to hear what was entrance subsequent customarily about did me in. And then, after what felt like an perpetuity of anticipation, a lady had a gall to announce we’re all removing PRETZELS. Freaking pretzels. Am we crazy to have been so worked adult about a possibilities that she could have offering and/or so angry about a contingent result? (For a record, we incited a break down in protest.)

No, it’s fair. Pretzels are garbage. They hurt any break mix. They are a misfortune nominal aeroplane snack, generally compared to honey-roasted peanuts. They are somehow some-more fattening than any other snack. And nonetheless they are EVERYWHERE. They’re during any cookout and in any fucking bar. They come in 90 opposite shapes, that is totally unnecessary. They even repackage a shards and sell those to people. Pretzels need to be destroyed. I’ve had adequate bland-ass pretzels in my life. Nuts and chips are where it’s at. Pretzels can go to hell.


Assuming a chairman were to willingly have his/her feet run over by a automobile or lorry customarily to see if they could do it nonetheless removing harmed while attempting this (said chairman is station true adult with one feet out over than a other for easy access), what would be a best speed for a automobile to expostulate to minimize a possibility of injury? I’m of a opinion that if we customarily climb over a foot, it would be some-more agonizing, nonetheless if we gunned it over a foot, a impact alone competence spin a skeleton in your feet to dust. Any ideas?

Even during 10 miles an hour, a automobile is going many faster than we think. we mean, it’s going delayed as ruin for a car, nonetheless it’s still a homogeneous of carrying someone scurry over your foot. So if a automobile is going 10 to 20 miles an hour or so, it will substantially hurl over your feet quick (breaking it), nonetheless it won’t be going so quick that it will force your leg out from underneath you, causing we to tumble down and get deformed to death. we have no systematic information to behind this up.

Sometimes we cruise about removing run over. Like, if a train is coming, we cruise to myself, Hey, what if we stepped in front of that train right now? we gamble that would hurt! we never follow by on this, given we miss grit. But one day, man. One day, that train and we will tango. My devise is to burst adult onto a roof and hurl to safety, Statham-style.


Would Lacrosse be some-more engaging if it were played on drum skates?

Not if it’s still on grass. Make them play on a chunk of marble and now we’re talking.

Email of a week time! Stick with it. It unequivocally pays off.


Recently we was with my mother and a organisation of tighten friends while a news story recapped a night O.J. Simpson ran. We began deliberating where we were and what we were doing that night and how uncanny it was. Because of what happened to me that night, we could clearly remember where we was. we told them we was during a friend’s relatives place that had a vast residence on one side of a outrageous skill and a “barn” on a other side. The stable was some-more of a celebration place for derby parties and such, as half of it was a furnished unit with soppy bar and vast shade etc. That night my crony and we designed on examination a NBA Finals and enjoying some shrooms from a cow pasture subsequent door. With new rain, hallucinogenic mushrooms were abundant if we didn’t mind picking them out of cow shit.

When a radio coverage switched to O.J. on a run, we overtly suspicion we were hallucinating and kept seeking any other if what we were examination was real. We drank and watched in complete awe and shouting hysterically during how absurd it was. Later, after burdensome a ethanol supply, my crony asked if we would expostulate opposite a skill to a categorical residence and get a 12-pack from a garage fridge. It was pouring rain, and we questioned if my Honda Civic would make it down a sand highway to a house, and he positive me it would, nonetheless told me to expostulate behind in his Mom’s new Jeep 4×4. A integrate weeks before, a equine his mom owned given she was a teen (nearly 30 years; we never knew horses lived that long) had died, and she was so sorrowful that his father bought a Jeep she had always wanted to hearten her up.

On my approach behind to a stable with a beer, we motionless to take a brief cut, that went excellent until we started to get stuck, and a front wheels of a Jeep began to penetrate and swamp down. The some-more we attempted to get out, a some-more a front of a Jeep sank. After churning adult a sand for a integrate minutes, we satisfied we wasn’t removing lax and would have to travel behind to a stable and get my crony and their tractor to lift it out of a stinking mud. And when we contend stinking, we am not kidding: It literally smelled awful. we got behind to a stable and told him what we had done, and he laughed and pronounced we would lift it out a subsequent morning given he was tripping too tough to function. After that we blacked out.

I woke adult a subsequent morning on a stable lounge with his hermit station over me yelling during a tip of his lungs. His mom was outward great and losing her mind screaming during her son. Apparently we hadn’t customarily gotten a Jeep stranded in some pointless spot, we had gotten it stranded in a grave of her equine and afterwards arrange of dug it adult with a wheels. That was a prolonged morning.

The longest.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him during You can also method Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, by his homepage.

Image by Jim Cooke, source photos around Shutterstock.

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