That falling feeling

December 26, 2015 - accent chair

Dave Barry's 2015 Year in Review. (Jack Ohman/TNS)

Dave Barry’s 2015 Year in Review. (Jack Ohman/TNS)

Are we observant that 2015 was a misfortune year ever?

Yes, we are observant that. This was a year when a “selfie” epidemic, that was already horrendous, somehow got even worse.

This was a year of a “man bun.”

It’s like we’re on a Titanic, and it’s sloping during an 85-degree angle with a propellers approach adult in a air, and we’re swinging over a cold Atlantic perplexing to tell ourselves: “At slightest there’s no watchful for a shuffleboard courts!”

So let’s take one final demeanour behind during a appalling existence of 2015, that began, as so many luckless years have in a past, with …


… that finds a Midwest gripped by scarcely wintry weather, lifting fears that a green cold could bluster a immeasurable flock – estimated in a thousands – of Republican presidential hopefuls roaming around Iowa expressing a newly detected passion for corn. As temperatures plummet, some possibilities are forced to tarry by environment glow to lower-ranking consultants.

For many Americans, however, a cold call is not a dire issue. The dire emanate – that will be debated for years to come – is how, exactly, did a New England Patriots’ footballs get deflated for a AFC championship game. The many fascinating speculation is put onward by Patriot conduct manager Bill Belichick, a male who, during his happiest, looks like raging ferrets are chewing their approach out of his colon. He opines – these are tangible quotes – that “atmospheric conditions” could be responsible, and also declares that “I’ve rubbed dozens of balls over a past week.” This will spin out to be a sports prominence of a year.

Dave Barry's 2015 Year in Review, month of January. (Jack Ohman/TNS)

Dave Barry’s 2015 Year in Review, month of January. (Jack Ohman/TNS)

In Paris, 2 million people impetus in a oneness convene following a horrific militant conflict on a French satirical journal Charlie Hebdo. Eyebrows are lifted when not a singular tip U.S. central attends, though several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who – this unequivocally happened – performs a strain “You’ve Got a Friend.” This confidant movement strikes fear into a hearts of terrorists, who comprehend that Kerry is entirely capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow.

In sports, a first-ever NCAA Division we college football playoffs strech a startling consummate when a Oregon Ducks are degraded in a championship diversion 42-20 by a New England Patriots. Asked how this is possible, given that a Patriots play in a NFL, Coach Belichick opines that it could be a outcome of “global meridian change.”

Speaking of surprises, in …


… a sovereign Office of Personnel Management announces that hackers have gained entrance to a personal annals of millions of tide and former supervision employees. An OPM matter downplays a earnest of a information breach, stressing that “if anybody publishes any photos allegedly depicting an purported Cabinet secretary with an purported goat, those are fake,” serve observant that “it was totally a consenting goat.”

In a ancestral preference on happy rights, a nation’s top authorised management – Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Ky. – overturns a U.S. Supreme Court’s statute that state laws banning same-sex matrimony are unconstitutional.

Meanwhile, in what is widely hailed as a dauntless and confidant arrangement of aplomb and courage, a 65-year-old lady allows herself to be graphic on a cover of Vanity Fair wearing usually a corset.

In other gender news, a Treasury Department asks for submit from a open on that lady will be decorated on a redesigned $10 bill. The evident front-runners are Mary Ann, Ginger, Taylor Swift and a dual sisters from “Frozen.”

On a domestic front, a immeasurable story is Donald Trump, who declares his candidacy for boss and lays out a bold, inclusive prophesy for America consisting of whatever suspicion is sharp-witted by his mind during that sold moment. Also dogmatic his candidacy, and likely by a experts to do apart better, is Jeb Bush, whose central discuss aphorism is: “Jeb! – The Exclamation Mark Denotes Enthusiasm.”


The renouned Pope Francis becomes a initial pope ever to residence a dilemma assembly of Congress, arising a absolute plea to a lawmakers to work together toward elucidate dire universe problems, including hatred, misery and pollution. Congress, desirous to take singular bipartisan movement though apparently confused by Francis’ thick accent, votes unanimously to announce quarrel on Greenland.

In domestic news, Republicans Rick Perry and Scott Walker dump out of a presidential competition after polls uncover them both trailing a late Warren G. Harding. Meanwhile Donald Trump continues to benefaction his prophesy for America’s destiny in a form of a solid tide of fast stoical tweets scornful people who have annoyed him. This devise has Trump simply heading a GOP field, to a amazement of associating Washington-based insiders with immeasurable believe regarding to a inside of Washington.

In business news, a Environmental Protection Agency accuses Volkswagen of intrigue on emissions testing, precipitating an general liaison that eventually army VW’s Martin Winterkorn to renounce and take a pursuit as apparatus manager for a New England Patriots.

Speaking of scandals, in …


… Hillary Clinton testifies for 127 true hours before a House Committee On Investigating Benghazi Until The Earth Crashes Into The Sun. There are many irritable exchanges between Clinton and Republican congressmen, though in a finish a American open has a most clearer design of a intensely high spin of mutual loathsome that creates a supervision work a approach it does.

After most agonizing, Vice President Joe Biden announces that he will not run for president, stressing that a preference had zero to do with a severed equine conduct wearing a HILLARY! symbol he found in his bed, that Biden says he believes “was meant in a understanding way.”

Meanwhile a Republican candidates’ discuss on CNBC takes a sharp-witted spin when Ted Cruz, responding to a doubt about a sovereign check agreement, throws a chair during judge Carl Quintanilla. Knowledgeable Washington insiders announce that a transparent discuss winners are Cruz, Marco Rubio and Chris Christie, so it is no warn that Donald Trump and Ben Carson swell still over forward in a polls.

A outrageous infantry airship breaks lax from a moorings and rampages opposite Pennsylvania, wreaking massacre and knocking out energy for thousands before being lured behind into chains by a Hello Kitty airship fast borrowed from a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day impetus and positioned in what a Pentagon source describes as “a provocative pose.”

Speaking of havoc, in …


… a New Horizons interplanetary probe, carrying trafficked some-more than 3 billion miles over scarcely 10 years, finally reaches Pluto and transmits behind information proof conclusively – in a find that sends startle waves of bladder malfunction around a astronomy village – that Pluto consists of both ice and rocks.

The republic reacts with fear to a news that a Minnesota dentist has killed Cecil a World’s Suddenly Most Beloved Lion. The dentist now becomes a less-popular chronicle of Hitler and goes into stealing to shun animal-rights activists melancholy to give him a base waterway with a chain-saw.

In domestic news, a swarming margin of Republican presidential hopefuls is assimilated by a chairman named “John Kasich,” who claims to have during one time been administrator of Ohio, nonetheless nobody can determine this. On a Democratic side, unrestrained builds for a candidacy of 147-year-old revolutionary Bernie Sanders and his populist devise for reining in Wall Street around a multiple of stricter financial controls and vital beheadings.

The immeasurable general news comes from Vienna, where Iran signs a understanding with a United States and 5 other nations underneath that Iran, in sell for a lot of money, promises to stop perplexing to build a chief bomb. President Obama says a understanding “makes a country, and a world, safer and some-more secure.” For his part, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says, quote, “Death to America,” though he says it in what U.S. negotiators report as “a softer tone.”

In sports, a U.S. wins a Women’s World Cup, defeating Japan 5-2, with 3 of a goals being scored by Tom Brady wearing a Brandi Chastain indication sports bra.


… a immeasurable sports story is a long-awaited – we’re articulate decades – fighting compare between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao for a undisputed universe pretension in a Older Guys Basically Standing Around division. Mayweather wins a quarrel and takes home $220 million, that works out to a small over $70 million per punch indeed landed, afterwards celebrates by attempting to arise adult his entourage.

In Garland, Texas, dual armed group are gunned down by infantry after they open glow on a confidence ensure external an vaunt of Muhammed cartoons, highlighting a need for a inhabitant review on a problem of cartoonists sketch things that leave eremite fanatics with no choice though to try to kill them. James Taylor is unavailable, so sovereign authorities dispatch The Captain and Tennille to a scene, where they perform a absolute chronicle of “Muskrat Love.”

As California’s drought continues to worsen, Gov. Jerry Brown announces a argumentative use devise involving Lake Superior and a 17-million-foot hose.

Speaking of disturbing, in …


… NBC suspends “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams after an review reveals inaccuracies in his comment of being in a infantry helicopter underneath glow in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not indeed come underneath fire,” states a network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo hire car on a New Jersey Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.”

Abroad, Greece, underneath exhilarated vigour to accommodate a debt obligations, gives Germany dual of a 3 remaining goats.

In a War on Terror, a White House, carrying struck a absolute blow with a James Taylor Tactical Assault Ballad, resolutely follows adult by – again, this unequivocally happened – hosting a three-day “Summit on Countering Violent Extremism,” featuring both workshops and symposiums.

In a year’s biggest literary story, member of 88-year-old Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to money in on a dear author’s literary fame, announce skeleton to tell what they explain is her recently detected second book, “Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird.”

In sports, a New England Patriots better a Seattle Seahawks 28-24 to win a Super Bowl noted by surprises, including one play in that a Patriots – undetected by diversion officials – had a grenade launcher on a field, an infringement that Coach Belichick after blames on “wind shear.”

As Feb draws to a close, 5,000 ISIS infantry land in Mexico and impetus north. They are means to strech Cleveland neglected since a whole U.S. competition is heatedly arguing over a tone of a design of a dress on a Internet.

Speaking of heated, in …


… a universe reels in startle after horrific militant attacks in Paris and Mali. With rumors of new threats entrance daily, a U.S. State Department quickly considers unleashing Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand (code name “Doomsday Duet”) to sing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” though elects instead to emanate a Worldwide Travel Alert, warning American adults to equivocate potentially dangerous areas, “especially a Northern and Southern Hemispheres.”

But Nov is not usually a time for fear: It is also a time, as Thanksgiving ushers in a holiday season, for all Americans, regardless of ethnicity, sacrament or domestic views, to be deeply offended. Nobody is some-more annoyed than college students, who theatre a array of protests over a racism, sexism, fascism, heteronormism and – trigger warning – unresponsive Halloween costumes that consecrate a festering hellhole of hurtful things that is a complicated American college campus and THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

Also deeply annoyed in Nov are people who have taken time out of their bustling lives to notice that a 2015 Starbucks holiday crater is usually plain red and – trigger warning – does not have snowflakes or reindeer on it.

In a World Series, a Kansas City Royals better a New York Mets. The payrolls of these dual teams total are reduction than a payroll of a New York Yankees, who were separated immediately from a playoffs in a wild-card diversion by a Houston Astros, whose payroll is reduction than a third of a Yankees’.

As a month draws to a close, tensions in a Middle East run high amid rumors that a Obama administration, in what would be a vital escalation of American presence, is deliberation entertainment a Black Friday sale in Syria. Fortunately these rumors infer to be fake and a misfortune sell assault is cramped within U.S. borders. But a universe conditions stays discouraging in …


… Washington, D.C., is jarred when a Florida mailman, creation a absolute matter for or opposite something, lands a gyrocopter on a grass of a Capitol Building. He immediately becomes a front-runner for a Republican presidential nomination.

Elsewhere on a domestic front, Hillary Clinton declares her candidacy for boss and sets out to denote that she is a unchanging tellurian by roving to Iowa in a tradition outpost driven by Secret Service agents. In Maumee, Ohio, she stops during a Chipotle for takeout, a news eventuality that produces a stroke of domestic journalism. The New York Times (we are not creation this broadcasting up) breaks a story, stating that Clinton wore sunglasses and systematic a duck burrito bowl. Bloomberg gets a follow-up scoop, stating that a Clinton party’s check was “$20 and some change” though Clinton “did not leave a tip.” Politico runs a 1,200-word story headlined (we are still not creation this up) “The ‘everyday people’ who done Hillary Clinton’s burrito bowl.” Incredibly, nobody thinks to do a form of a chicken.

In sports, a NCAA men’s basketball contest is won by a New England Patriots, who better a University of Wisconsin 2-0 in a diversion featuring a basketball arrogant to fundamentally a same vigour as a roadkill squirrel.

Speaking of sports, in …

Dave Barry's 2015 Year in Review, month of March. (Jack Ohman/TNS)

Dave Barry’s 2015 Year in Review, month of March. (Jack Ohman/TNS)


… over a clever objections of a Obama administration, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses a dilemma assembly of Congress. He immediately becomes a heading contender for a Republican presidential nomination.

Abroad, Russian President Vladimir Putin mysteriously vanishes from open perspective for 10 days. It is after suggested that he was training patron use member for Comcast.

In financial news, shares on European financial markets plunge when German authorities announce that one of a Greek goats is indeed a rarely mutated squirrel.

In a oppressive sign that a winter is not over, Boston Mayor Martin Walsh is eaten by a frigid bear.

Abroad, tensions mountain on a Korean peninsula when North Korea, in an rare cyberattack, posts an estimated 23 million disastrous reviews of South Korea on Yelp.

Speaking of tension, in …


… The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reports that Jul was a hottest month globally ever recorded. With a renewed clarity of urgency, a world’s industrialized nations vouch to continue promulgation immeasurable delegations around jumbo jets to apart conferences on meridian change until this darned thing has been licked.

In politics, a Republicans reason their initial presidential debate, featuring approximately 75 possibilities trimming external in recognition from Donald Trump during core theatre to John Kasich and a late Warren G. Harding out during a apart edges. Trump dominates a evening, during one indicate grouping everybody to tighten adult while he takes a call onstage from Beyoncé. Savvy Washington-based domestic insiders agree, after consultation with other savvy Washington-based domestic insiders, that Trump’s unusual function will divide electorate and he will be out of a competition by fall.

On a Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to have no choice though to hurl her eyes over all these annoying scandals that her enemies keep forgetful adult to forestall her from portion a American people, generally women. The tide liaison involves a email server she used as secretary of state, which, in a flaw from government-security standards, was located in her home and had Mrs. Clinton’s personal tip cue (“PASSWORD”) created on a gummy note stranded to a front.


… when, with a ominous ghost of tellurian meridian change appearing like some kind of bright hazard or something, 150 universe leaders, finally removing critical about this obligatory hazard to a planet’s future, confirm to stay home and consult around Skype.

Ha-ha! Seriously, a leaders all fly to Paris, where they and their confidence sum and their immeasurable serf entourages transport around in high-speed motorcades to attend dinners and make speeches about a significance of reckoning out how to revoke these annoying CO emissions.

On a some-more unfortunate note, a Food and Drug Administration confirms reports that genetically mutated fruits and vegetables have been evading from supermarkets and mating in a furious with other species. The FDA stresses that this is “a docile problem” and downplays sightings in Florida of a supposed “potator,” half potato and half alligator, that according to shocked locals lurks underground, has outrageous jaws and dozens of eyes, and can be stopped usually by bullets sloping with green cream.

In presidential politics, Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.

But with a Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary usually around a corner, analysts onslaught to make clarity of new polls display that, suddenly, a transparent personality in both states, for both parties, is Tom Brady.

The frightful partial is: That wouldn’t be so bad.

As a year finally staggers to a close, Americans set aside their differences, if usually briefly, and join together in a cherished, time-honored tradition of sanctimonious that New Year’s Eve is fun. So let’s lift a potion to toast a passing of 2015. Then let’s set a potion down untasted, in case, God forbid, it contains gluten. Then let’s go to bed.

Happy New Year.

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