Dave Barry’s Year in Review: The unhappy thing is, we’re not creation this up!
December 23, 2015 - accent chair
Sometimes we are accused — trust it or not — of being overly disastrous in a annual Year in Review. Critics contend we omit a many certain events in a given year and concentration instead on a stupid, a tragic, a evil, a disgusting, a Kardashians.
Okay, critics: We have listened you. This year, instead of home on a negatives, we’re going to start a annual examination with a List of a Top Ten Good Things That Happened in 2015. Ready? Here we go:
1. We didn’t hear that many about Honey Boo Boo.
Okay, we’ll have to get behind to we on Good Things 2 by 10. We apologize, though 2015 had so many negatives that we’re carrying difficulty observant a positives. It’s like we’re on a Titanic, and it’s sloping during an 85-degree angle with a propellers approach adult in a air, and we’re swinging over a cold Atlantic perplexing to tell ourselves: “At slightest there’s no watchful for a shuffleboard courts!”
Are we observant that 2015 was a misfortune year ever? Are we observant it was worse than, for example, 1347, a year when a bubonic disease killed a immeasurable partial of humanity?
Yes, we are observant that. Because during slightest a residue of amiability was not unprotected to a plain week in that a news media focused intensively on a doubt of either a heading claimant for boss of a United States had, or had not, done an pithy anxiety to a distinguished womanlike TV journalist’s biological lady cycle.
That indeed happened in 2015, and it was not a usually bad thing. This was a year when American sports fans became some-more vehement about their anticipation sports teams — which, for a record, are hypothetical — than about sports teams that indeed exist. This was a year when a “selfie” epidemic, that was already horrendous, somehow got even worse. Of a 105 billion photographs taken by Americans this year, 104.9 billion include of a grinning face looming, blimplike, in a foreground, with a small design of something — a Grand Canyon, a pope, a 747 crashing — peeking out in a stretch behind a person’s left ear.
This was a year of a “man-bun.”
And if all that isn’t bad enough, this was a year they duped us into meditative Glenn got killed on “The Walking Dead.”
(By a way: spoiler alert.)
At this indicate we are saying: “Wait a minute! Surely there were some certain developments in 2015! How about a fact that, after so many years of sneering judgmentalism and divisive, overheated rhetoric, we were means to have rational, immeasurable conversations about such issues as gun ownership, happy marriage, competition family and abortion, so that, as a nation, we finally began to come together and … whoa! Sorry! Evidently we am high on narcotics.”
Yes, we are. And we intend to join we soon. But initial we need to take one final demeanour behind during a appalling existence of 2015, that began, as so many luckless years have in a past, with …
… which finds the Midwest gripped by scarcely wintry weather, lifting fears that a green cold could bluster a immeasurable flock — estimated in a thousands — of Republican presidential hopefuls roaming around Iowa expressing a newly detected passion for corn. As temperatures plummet, some possibilities are forced to tarry by environment glow to lower-ranking consultants.
For many Americans, however, a cold call is not a dire issue. The dire emanate — that will be debated for years to come — is how, exactly, did a New England Patriots’ footballs get deflated for a AFC championship game. The many fascinating speculation is put onward by Patriots conduct manager Bill Belichick, a male who, during his happiest, looks like raging ferrets are chewing their approach out of his colon. He opines — these are tangible quotes — that “atmospheric conditions” could be obliged and also declares that “I’ve rubbed dozens of balls over a past week.” This will spin out to be a sports prominence of a year.
In Paris, 1.5 million people impetus in a oneness convene following a horrific terrorist conflict on a French satirical journal Charlie Hebdo. Eyebrows are lifted when not a singular tip U.S. central attends, though several days later, Secretary of State John F. Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who — this unequivocally happened — performs a strain “You’ve Got a Friend.” This confidant movement strikes fear into a hearts of terrorists, who comprehend that Secretary Kerry is entirely capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow.
Meanwhile in Washington, a worker crashes onto a White House lawn and immediately becomes a heading contender for a Republican presidential nomination.
In sports, a first-ever NCAA College Football Playoff reaches a startling consummate when a Oregon Ducks are degraded in a championship game, 42-20, by a New England Patriots. Asked how this is possible, given that a Patriots play in a NFL, Coach Belichick opines that it could be a outcome of “global meridian change.”
Speaking of surprises, in …
… NBC suspends “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams after an review reveals inaccuracies in his comment of being in a infantry helicopter underneath glow in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not indeed come underneath fire,” states a network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo hire car on a New Jersey Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.” A contrite Williams blames a relapse on post-traumatic highlight commotion ensuing from murdering Osama bin Laden.
Abroad, Greece, underneath exhilarated vigour to accommodate a debt obligations, gives Germany dual of a 3 remaining goats.
In a War on Terror, a White House, carrying struck a absolute blow with a James Taylor Tactical Assault Ballad, resolutely follows adult by — again, this unequivocally happened — hosting a three-day Summit on Countering Violent Extremism, featuring both workshops and symposiums.
In continue news, Boston’s open schools are sealed because of glaciers.
In the year’s biggest literary story, member of 88-year-old Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to income in on a dear author’s literary fame, announce skeleton to tell what they explain is her recently detected second book, “Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird.”
In a Academy Awards, the Oscar for best design goes to “Birdman.” Accepting a desired statuette, executive Alejandro González Iñárritu tells a assembly that “like you, we never indeed saw this movie.”
Leonard Nimoy is beamed adult for a final time.
In business news, uneasy tradesman RadioShack files for bankruptcy, citing a fact that in a past 6 years, a chain’s 4,000 stores had done a inhabitant sum of one sale, that being a home email server purchased by Hillary Clinton.
In sports, the New England Patriots improved a Seattle Seahawks, 28-24, to win a Super Bowl noted by surprises, including one play in that a Patriots — undetected by diversion officials — had a grenade launcher on a field, an infringement that Coach Belichick after blames on “wind shear.”
The many startling play comes during a finish of a game, when a Seahawks, on second and thought with 26 seconds left and Marshawn Lynch — who is fundamentally a UPS truck, usually harder to tackle — in a backfield, elect to chuck a pass, that is intercepted. After a game, Seattle manager Pete Carroll defends his preference to pass. He is immediately hired as a critical consultant by a Jeb Bush campaign.
As Feb draws to a close, 5,000 Islamic State infantry land in Mexico and impetus north. They are means to strech Cleveland neglected given a whole U.S. competition is heatedly arguing over the tinge of a design of a dress on a Internet.
Speaking of heated, in …
… over a clever objections of a Obama administration, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses a dilemma assembly of Congress. He immediately becomes a heading contender for a Republican presidential nomination, 4 points forward of a drone.
Abroad, Russian President Vladimir Putinmysteriously vanishes from open perspective for some-more than 10 days. It is after suggested that he was training customer-service member for Comcast.
In financial news, shares on European markets thrust when German authorities announce that one of a Greek goats is indeed a rarely mutated squirrel.
Speaking of unnatural: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approves a sale of genetically mutated potatoes and apples, observant that they “offer many nutritive benefits” and are “completely safe” supposing that consumers “do not annoy them.”
In a oppressive pointer that winter is not over, Boston Mayor Martin Walsh is eaten by a frigid bear.
Abroad, tensions mountain on a Korean Peninsula when North Korea, in an singular cyberattack, posts an estimated 23 million disastrous Yelp reviews of South Korea, including several million containing a word “we systematic a dog, that arrived so undercooked that a tail was still wagging.”
Speaking of tension, in …
… there is discouraging news from Baltimore, where the genocide of an African American male in military custody touches off a review on competition that lasts several days, ensuing in some-more than 250 arrests and unconstrained skill damage. The Rev. Al Sharpton rushes to a theatre though is incompetent to forestall things from eventually relaxing down.
In another shocking development, Washington, D.C., is hit by a energy outage, definition that for several harrowing hours a rest of a republic is forced to form a possess policies. A week after Washington is again jarred when a Florida mailman, origination a absolute matter for or opposite something, lands a gyrocopter on a grass of a Capitol. He immediately becomes a front-runner for a Republican presidential nomination.
Elsewhere on a domestic front, Hillary Clinton declares her candidacy for president and sets out to denote that she is a unchanging tellurian by roving to Iowa in a tradition outpost driven by Secret Service agents. In Maumee, Ohio, she stops during a Chipotle for takeout, a news eventuality that produces a stroke of domestic journalism. The New York Times (we are not origination this broadcasting up) breaks a story, stating that Clinton wore sunglasses and systematic a duck burrito bowl. Bloomberg gets a follow-up scoop, stating that a Clinton party’s check was “$20 and some change” though Clinton “did not leave a tip.” Politico runs a 1,200-word story headlined (we are still not origination this up) “The ‘everyday people’ who done Hillary Clinton’s burrito bowl.” Incredibly, nobody thinks to do a form of a chicken.
In other broadcasting news, Rolling Stone apologizes for a discredited story about an purported rape during a University of Virginia companionship residence and announces that it has trained a lead fact-checker, Brian Williams.
Responding with extreme measures to California’s worsening drought, Gov. Jerry Brown announces a origination of a state Saliva Conservation Board.
Abroad, Djoomart Otorbaev resigns as a primary apportion of Kyrgyzstan, citing an inability to get business cards with all spelled correctly.
In sports, a NCAA men’s basketball contest is won by a New England Patriots, who improved a University of Wisconsin, 2-0, in a diversion featuring a basketball arrogant to fundamentally a same vigour as a roadkill squirrel.
Speaking of sports scandals, in …
… international soccer is rocked by allegations that bribery was concerned in awarding a 2022 World Cup to Qatar, a republic with small soccer tradition, as evidenced by a fact that a 12 stadiums it has built and renovated for a contest all underline immeasurable musical fountains in a core of a personification field.
But a immeasurable sports story is a long-awaited — we’re articulate decades — fighting compare between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao for a undisputed universe pretension in a Older Guys Basically Standing Around division. Mayweather wins a fight and takes home $220 million, that works out to a small over $70 million per punch indeed landed, afterwards celebrates by attempting to arise adult his entourage.
Elsewhere in sports, a Kentucky Derby is won by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, roving parsimonious finish Rob Gronkowski. All a tangible horses in a competition mysteriously tumble during a starting line from what manager Bill Belichick speculates could be “allergies.” Brady also wins a Indianapolis 500 pushing a U.S. Army M1 Abrams conflict tank that averages usually 30 mph though proves to be intensely formidable for a other vehicles to pass.
Abroad, there is immeasurable fad in England, where Prince William and a Duchess of Cambridge produce another stately baby, who, in a pointer of a changing times, is christened Princess Brooklyn Dakota. She joins a line of royals unfailing to spend their lives gamely perplexing to seem meddlesome in an unconstrained array of building dedications.
In Garland, Tex., two armed group are gunned down by police after they open glow on a confidence ensure external an vaunt of Muhammad cartoons, highlighting a need for a inhabitant review on a problem of cartoonists sketch things that leave eremite fanatics with no choice though to try to kill them. James Taylor is unavailable, so sovereign authorities dispatch Captain and Tennille to a scene, where they perform a absolute chronicle of “Muskrat Love.”
As California’s drought continues to worsen, Gov. Brown announces a argumentative service devise involving Lake Superior and a 17 million-foot hose.
In a unfortunate development, a Seattle preference store is attacked during gunpoint by what military brand from a notice video as a genetically mutated potato.
Speaking of disturbing, in …
… the Office of Personnel Management announces that hackers have gained entrance to a personal records of millions of tide and former federal government employees. An OPM matter plays down a earnest of a information breach, stressing that “if anybody publishes any photos allegedly depicting an purported Cabinet secretary with an purported goat, those are fake,” serve observant that “it was totally a consenting goat.”
In another unfortunate sovereign story, a news on an clandestine review into airfield confidence reveals that Transportation Security Administration screeners failed to detect criminialized items, including weapons and explosives, 67 out of 70 times. Responding to a report, TSA officials state: “What report? We don’t see any report.”
In a ancestral preference on happy rights, a nation’s top authorised management — Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Ken. — overturns a U.S. Supreme Court’s statute that state laws banning same-sex matrimony are unconstitutional.
Meanwhile, in what is widely hailed as a dauntless and confidant arrangement of aplomb and courage, a 65-year-old lady allows herself to be pictured on a cover of Vanity Fair wearing usually a corset.
In other gender news, a Treasury Department asks for submit from a open on which lady will be decorated on a redesigned $10 bill. The evident front-runners are Mary Ann, Ginger, Taylor Swift and a dual sisters from “Frozen.”
On a domestic front, a immeasurable story is Donald Trump, who declares his candidacy for president and lays out a bold, inclusive prophesy for America consisting of whatever suspicion is sharp-witted by his mind during that sold moment. Trump is deemed to have no possibility by maestro Washington-based domestic experts with immeasurable believe of what all a other maestro Washington-based domestic experts think. Also dogmatic his candidacy, and likely by a experts to do apart better, is Jeb Bush, whose central discuss aphorism is: “Jeb! — The Exclamation Mark Denotes Enthusiasm.”
Speaking of excitement, in …
…the New Horizons interplanetary probe, carrying trafficked some-more than 3 billion miles over scarcely 10 years, finally reaches Pluto and transmits behind information proof conclusively — in a find that sends startle waves of bladder malfunction around a astronomy village — that Pluto consists of both ice and rocks.
The republic reacts with fear to a news that a Minnesota dentist has killed Cecil a World’s Suddenly Most Beloved Lion. The dentist now becomes a less-popular chronicle of Hitler and goes into stealing to shun animal-rights activists melancholy to give him a base waterway with a sequence saw. This story totally dominates a news for a improved partial of a week, that we will eventually demeanour behind on as an trusting time.
Hackers announce that they have broken into a Ashley Madison website and performed personal information on millions of clients allegedly seeking to have affairs. A statistical research will after exhibit that, of a 37 million accounts hacked, usually 23 belonged to tangible women, 21 of whom were Ashley Madison employees posing as clients. The remaining dual belonged to Miley Cyrus.
Elsewhere on a tech front, Microsoft releases Windows 10, which, in a widely hailed breakthrough, turns Windows 8 behind into Windows 7.
In domestic news, a swarming margin of Republican presidential hopefuls is assimilated by a chairman named “John Kasich,” who claims to have during one time been administrator of Ohio, nonetheless nobody can determine this. On a Democratic side, unrestrained builds for a candidacy of 147-year-old revolutionary Bernie Sanders and his populist devise for reining in Wall Street around a multiple of stricter financial controls and critical beheadings.
In other financial news, a International Monetary Fund sends a collection representative to Athens, usually to learn that a Greek supervision has changed out of Greece though withdrawal a forwarding address. Also, a Acropolis is missing.
Speaking of missing: In Mexico, barbarous drug duke “El Chapo” (literally, “The Chap”) escapes from a “maximum security” prison around an elaborate hovel that somehow was dug to his dungeon though anybody noticing. Equally shocking is a fact that a other finish of a hovel turns out to be in Miami.
But a immeasurable general news comes from Vienna, where Iran signs a deal with a United States and 5 other nations underneath that Iran, in sell for a lot of money, promises to stop perplexing to build a chief bomb. President Obama says a understanding “makes a country, and a world, safer and some-more secure.” For his part, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says, quote, “Death to America,” though he says it in what U.S. negotiators report as “a softer tone.”
In sports, a United States wins a Women’s World Cup, defeating Japan, 5-2, with 3 of a goals being scored by Tom Brady wearing a Brandi Chastain indication sports bra.
Speaking of hot, in …
… The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reports that, globally, July was a hottest month ever recorded. With a renewed clarity of urgency, a world’s industrialized nations vouch to continue promulgation immeasurable delegations around jumbo jets to apart conferences on meridian change until this darned thing has been licked.
In politics, a Republicans reason their first presidential debate, featuring approximately 75 possibilities trimming external in recognition from Donald Trump during core theatre to John Kasich and a late Warren G. Harding out during a apart edges. Jeb Bush has an off night, descending defunct several times during his possess answers. Ben Carson does better, solely for when he identifies Pyongyang as “a kind of lobster.” Trump dominates a evening, during one indicate grouping everybody to tighten adult while he takes a call onstage from Beyoncé. Savvy Washington-based domestic insiders agree, after consultation with other savvy Washington-based domestic insiders, that Trump’s unusual function will divide electorate and he will be out of a competition by fall.
On a Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to have no choice though to hurl her eyes over all these annoying scandals that her enemies keep forgetful adult to forestall her from portion a American people, generally women. The tide liaison involves a email server she used as secretary of state, which, in a flaw from government-security standards, was located in her home and had Clinton’s personal tip cue (“PASSWORD”) created on a gummy note stranded to a front. A Clinton spokesperson, vocalization by another Clinton orator who was briefed by a third Clinton orator on condition of anonymity, denies that a server ever hold personal emails and promises that it will be incited over to a FBI “as shortly as it has been melted down to a softball-sized blob.”
In financial news, a batch marketplace unexpectedly plunges some-more than 1,000 points. Small investors are urged not to panic by financial experts who (A) did not envision a plunge, (B) can't explain because it happened, (C) have no conceivable thought what will occur subsequent and (D) have their possess income invested in collectible fridge magnets.
Abroad, a German Parliament votes to give nonetheless another financial bailout to Greece, in lapse for that Greece agrees not to tell photographs of Angela Merkel naked.
In embankment news, Obama signs an executive order strictly changing a name of North America’s tallest mountain, Mount McKinley , behind to a normal Native American name, Elvis.
Speaking of stone stars, in …
… the renouned Pope Francis becomes a initial pope ever to residence a U.S. Congress, arising a powerful plea to a lawmakers to work together toward elucidate dire universe problems including hatred, misery and pollution. Congress, desirous to take singular bipartisan movement though apparently confused by Francis’s thick accent, votes unanimously to announce quarrel on Greenland.
In domestic news, a New York Times runs a following actual headline: “Hillary Clinton to Show More Humor and Heart, Aides Say.”Clinton reportedly will arrangement 17 percent some-more amusement and 23 percent some-more heart, according to unknown Clinton aides who were briefed by unknown Clinton strategists who had approach entrance to what one source, who asked not to be named, described as “a high-level Clinton confidante.” The source pronounced a Clinton group is also deliberation carrying Clinton “directly rivet comparison electorate in banter.”
On a Republican side, Rick Perry and Scott Walker dump out of a presidential competition after polls uncover them both trailing a late Warren G. Harding. Meanwhile, Donald Trump continues to benefaction his prophesy for America’s destiny in a form of a solid tide of fast stoical tweets scornful people who have annoyed him. This plan has Trump simply heading a GOP field, to a amazement of associating Washington-based insiders with immeasurable believe regarding to a inside of Washington.
Excited Apple fans line adult to squeeze a new iPhone 6s, that is matching to a iPhone 6 solely it has a special alarm that will warning Apple fans accurately when to line adult to squeeze a subsequent new iPhone, due out in approximately 3 months.
In business news, a Environmental Protection Agency accuses Volkswagen of cheating on emissions testing, precipitating an general liaison that eventually army VW’s Martin Winterkorn to renounce and take a pursuit as apparatus manager for a New England Patriots.
Speaking of scandals, in …
… Hillary Clinton testifies for 127 true hours before a House Committee on Investigating Benghazi Until a Earth Crashes Into a Sun. There are many irritable exchanges between Clinton and Republican congressmen, though in a finish a American open has a many clearer design of a intensely high spin of mutual loathsome that creates a supervision work a approach it does.
In other domestic news, a chairman job himself “Lincoln Chafee” manages to get onto a theatre of a Democratic presidential candidates’ discuss on CNN and make several process statements before he is beheld by confidence and escorted out. This competence have been annoying for a Democrats, though opportunely nobody is examination CNN, including judge Anderson Cooper, who is plainly personification Candy Crush.
After many agonizing, Vice President Biden announces that he will not run for president, stressing that a preference had zero to do with a severed equine conduct wearing a HILLARY! symbol he found in his bed, that Biden says he believes “was meant in a understanding way.”
Meanwhile, a Republican candidates’ discuss on CNBC takes a sharp-witted spin when Ted Cruz, responding to a doubt about a sovereign bill agreement, throws a chair during judge Carl Quintanilla, environment off a turn of acclaim so shrill that it awakens Jeb Bush, who records that as administrator of Florida he had a clever record of compelling seat safety. Knowledgeable Washington insiders announce that a transparent discuss winners are Cruz, Marco Rubio and Chris Christie, so it is no warn that Donald Trump and Ben Carson swell still serve forward in a polls.
In sports, FIFA, a scandal-plagued ruling physique of general soccer, suspends a president, Sepp “Sepp” Blatter. Among those seeking to reinstate him is a South African businessman named — we are not origination this name up — Tokyo Sexwale.
A outrageous military blimp breaks lax from a moorings and rampages opposite Pennsylvania, wreaking massacre and knocking out energy for thousands before being lured behind into chains by a Hello Kitty airship fast borrowed from a Macy’s Thanksgiving march and positioned in what a Pentagon source describes as “a provocative pose.”
Speaking of havoc, in …
… a universe reels in shock after horrific militant attacks in Paris and Mali. With rumors of new threats entrance daily, a U.S. State Department quickly considers unleashing Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand (code name “Doomsday Duet”) to sing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” though elects instead to emanate a Worldwide Travel Alert, warning American adults to equivocate potentially dangerous areas, “especially a Northern and Southern Hemispheres.” The dialect assures Americans that “there is no need to panic,” stressing that they should “remain in bed inept by butt-puckering fear.”
But Nov is not usually a time for fear: It is also a time, as Thanksgiving ushers in a holiday season, for all Americans, regardless of ethnicity, sacrament or domestic views, to be deeply offended. Nobody is some-more annoyed than college students, who theatre a array of protests over a racism, sexism, fascism, heteronormism and — trigger warning — unresponsive Halloween costumes that consecrate a festering hellhole of hurtful things that is a complicated American college campus and THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.
Also deeply annoyed in Nov are people who have taken time out of their bustling lives to notice that a 2015 Starbucks holiday crater is usually plain red and — trigger warning — does not have snowflakes or reindeer on it. This is nonetheless another storm in a War on Christmas, that has totally separated Christmas from a lives solely for Christmas carols personification on loudspeakers everywhere and outrageous Christmas displays in each store and Christmas cinema on TV constantly and countless Christmas-related news stories and an unconstrained tide of Christmas-themed commercials using 24/7 given approximately Labor Day.
In presidential politics, Ben Carson reacts angrily to CNN reports suggesting that he never attempted to gash anybody or strike his mom with a hammer. Really. Donald Trump continues his two-pronged discuss of observant reprehensible things and afterwards clarifying his statements by observant he didn’t unequivocally contend them so STOP HATING, YOU PATHETIC LOSERS, a plan that continues to cost him critical support among associating Washington insiders. Jeb Bush seeks to revitalise his flagging campaign by unleashing an overwhelming new aphorism — “Jeb Can Fix It! — and immediately surges forward in a desired 3-year-old-boy voter demographic.
On a Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to govern extemporaneous acts such as smiling while campaigning on a thesis that she is both a tellurian being and a lady who cares about other humans in a core difficulty and women specifically.
In a vital sports upset, a clearly godlike Ronda Rousey is defeated in a UFC pretension quarrel by Tom Brady, who uses a scheme he calls a “crowbar,” nonetheless manager Bill Belichick is discerning to indicate out that in fact it is “just a unchanging scratch hammer.”
In a World Series, the Kansas City Royals improved a New York Mets. The payrolls of these dual teams total are reduction than a payroll of a New York Yankees, who were separated immediately from a playoffs in a wild-card diversion by a Houston Astros, whose payroll is reduction than a third of a Yankees’.
As a month draws to a close, tensions in a Middle East run high amid rumors that a Obama administration, in what would be a vital escalation of American presence, is deliberation party a Black Friday sale in Syria. Fortunately these rumors infer to be fake and a misfortune sell assault is cramped within U.S. borders. But a universe conditions stays discouraging in …
… when, with a ominous specter of tellurian meridian change looming like some kind of bright hazard or something, 150 universe leaders, finally removing critical about this obligatory hazard to a planet’s future, confirm to stay home and consult around Skype.
Ha-ha! Seriously, a leaders all fly to Paris, where they and their confidence sum and their immeasurable serf entourages transport around in high-speed motorcades to attend dinners and make speeches about a significance of reckoning out how to revoke these annoying CO emissions. In a finish they pointer a Historic Agreement underneath that all parties dedicate to a concrete, legally contracting and unbreakable report of potentially attending additional conferences during some indicate in a future, nonetheless skeptics note that Chinese President Xi Jinping signs his name on a central request as “Phil McCracken.”
In another feel-good story, Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg announces that he will give behind a 45 billion hours that a normal American has squandered on Facebook.
On a some-more unfortunate note, a Food and Drug Administration confirms reports that genetically mutated fruits and vegetables have been evading from supermarkets and mating in a furious with other species. The FDA stresses that this is “a docile problem” and plays down sightings in Florida of a supposed “potator,” half potato and half alligator, that according to shocked locals lurks underground, has outrageous jaws and dozens of eyes, and can be stopped usually by bullets sloping with green cream.
Speaking of potatoes: Tensions arise in Europe when a Russian supervision announces that it is rising a new business start-up called Tuber, described as “like Uber, solely with tanks.”
In party news, 20th Century Foxdenies rumors that in a film “The Revenant,” a impression played by Leonardo DiCaprio is raped by a bear. “The bear in a film is a female,” states a Fox spokesperson, referring to a computer-generated bear nicknamed “Judy,” who on a same day is nominated for a film-industry animation endowment in a same difficulty as a Hulk. This indeed happened.
In presidential politics, with a Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary usually around a corner, analysts onslaught to make clarity of new polls display that, suddenly, a transparent personality in both states, for both parties, is Tom Brady.
The frightful partial is: That wouldn’t be so bad.
As a year finally staggers to a close, Americans set aside their differences, if usually briefly, and join together in a cherished, time-honored tradition of sanctimonious that New Year’s Eve is fun. So let’s lift a potion to toast a passing of 2015. Then let’s set a potion down untasted, in box — God dissuade — it contains gluten. Then let’s go to bed.
Happy new year.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning amusement columnist and author. His latest book is “Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer Is Much Faster).”
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