Dave Barry’s year in review

December 27, 2015 - accent chair




Steve Wacksman

Sometimes we are accused — believe it or not — of being overly disastrous in a annual Year in Review. Critics contend we omit a many certain events in a given year and concentration instead on a stupid, a tragic, a evil, a disgusting, a Kardashians.

OK, critics: We have listened you. This year, instead of home on a negatives, we’re going to start a annual examination with a List of a Top Ten Good Things That Happened in 2015. Ready? Here we go:

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1. We didn’t hear that many about Honey Boo Boo.

2.

OK, we’ll have to get behind to we on Good Things 2 by 10. We apologize, yet 2015 had so many negatives that we’re carrying difficulty observant a positives. It’s like we’re on a Titanic, and it’s sloping during an 85-degree angle, a propellers approach adult in a air, and we’re swinging over a cold Atlantic perplexing to tell ourselves: “At slightest there’s no watchful for a shuffleboard courts!”

Are we observant that 2015 was a misfortune year ever? Are we observant it was worse than, for example, 1347, a year when a bubonic disease killed a immeasurable partial of humanity?

Yes, we are observant that. Because during slightest a residue of amiability was not unprotected to a plain week in that a news media focused intensively on a doubt of either a heading claimant for boss of a United States had, or had not, done an explicit reference to a distinguished womanlike TV journalist’s biological lady cycle.

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That indeed happened in 2015, and it was not a usually bad thing. This was a year when American sports fans became some-more vehement about their anticipation sports teams — which, for a record, are imaginary — than about sports teams that indeed exist. This was a year when a “selfie” epidemic, that was already horrendous, somehow got even worse. Of a 105 billion photographs taken by Americans this year, 104.9 billion include of a grinning face looming, blimp-like, in a foreground, with a small design of something — the Grand Canyon, a pope, a 747 crashing — peeking out in a stretch behind a person’s left ear.

This was a year of a “man bun.”

And if all that isn’t bad enough, this was a year they duped us into meditative Glenn got killed on The Walking Dead.

(By a way: Spoiler alert.)

At this indicate we are saying: “Wait a minute! Surely there were some certain developments in 2015! How about a fact that, after so many years of sneering judgmentalism and divisive, overheated rhetoric, we were means to have rational, immeasurable conversations about such issues as gun ownership, happy marriage, competition relations, and abortion, so that, as a nation, we finally began to come together and . . . Whoa! Sorry! Evidently we am high on narcotics.”

Yes, we are. And we intend to join we soon. But initial we need to take one final demeanour behind during a appalling existence of 2015, that began, as so many luckless years have in a past, with . . .  

JANUARY

. . . that finds a Midwest gripped by scarcely wintry weather, lifting fears that a green cold could bluster a immeasurable herd — estimated in a thousands — of Republican presidential hopefuls roaming around Iowa. As temperatures plummet, some possibilities are forced to tarry by environment glow to lower-ranking consultants.

For many Americans, however, a cold call is not a dire issue. The dire issue — which will be debated for years to come — is how, exactly, did a New England Patriots’ footballs get deflated for a AFC championship game. The many fascinating speculation is put onward by Patriot conduct manager Bill Belichick, a male who, during his happiest, looks like raging ferrets are chewing their approach out of his colon. He opines — these are actual quotes — that “atmospheric conditions” could be obliged and also declares that “I’ve rubbed dozens of balls over a past week.” This will spin out to be a sports prominence of a year.

In Paris, millions of people impetus in a oneness convene following a horrific militant conflict on a French satirical journal Charlie Hebdo. Eyebrows are lifted when not a singular tip US central attends, yet several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who — this unequivocally happened — performs a strain “You’ve Got a Friend.” This confidant movement strikes fear into a hearts of terrorists, who comprehend that Secretary Kerry is entirely capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow.

Meanwhile in Washington, a worker crashes on a White House grass and immediately becomes a heading contender for a Republican presidential nomination.

In sports, a first-ever NCAA Division we college football playoffs strech a startling consummate when a Oregon Ducks are degraded in a championship diversion 42-20 by a New England Patriots. Asked how this is possible, given that a Patriots play in a NFL, Coach Belichick opines that it could be a outcome of “global meridian change.”

Speaking of surprises, in . . .

FEBRUARY

 . . . NBC suspends Nightly News anchor Brian Williams after an review reveals inaccuracies in his account of being in a infantry helicopter underneath glow in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not indeed come underneath fire,” states a network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo hire car on a New Jersey Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.”

Abroad, Greece, underneath exhilarated vigour to accommodate a debt obligations, gives Germany dual of a 3 remaining goats.

In a War on Terror, a White House, carrying struck a absolute blow with a James Taylor Tactical Assault Ballad, resolutely follows adult by — again, this unequivocally happened — hosting a three-day “Summit on Countering Violent Extremism,” featuring both workshops AND symposiums.

In continue news, Boston’s open schools are sealed given of glaciers.

In a year’s biggest literary story, member of 88-year-old Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to income in on a dear author’s literary fame, announce skeleton to tell what they explain is her recently detected second book, Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird.

In a Academy Awards, a Oscar for Best Picture goes to Birdman. Accepting a desired statuette, executive Alejandro G. Inarritu tells a assembly that “like you, we never indeed saw this movie.”

Leonard Nimoy is beamed adult for a final time.

In business news, uneasy tradesman RadioShack files for bankruptcy, citing a fact that in a past 6 years, a chain’s 4,000 stores had done a inhabitant sum of one sale, that being a home e-mail server purchased by Hillary Clinton.

In sports, a New England Patriots improved a Seattle Seahawks 28-24 to win a Super Bowl marked by surprises, including one play in that a Patriots — undetected by diversion officials — had a grenade launcher on a field, an infringement that Coach Belichick after blames on “wind shear.”

As Feb draws to a close, 5,000 ISIS infantry land in Mexico and impetus north. They are means to strech Cleveland neglected given a whole US competition is heatedly arguing over a color of a design of a dress on a Internet.

Speaking of heated, in . . .  

MARCH

. . . over a clever objections of a Obama administration, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses a dilemma assembly of Congress. He immediately becomes a heading contender for a Republican presidential nomination, 4 points forward of a drone.

Abroad, Russian President Vladimir Putin mysteriously vanishes from open perspective for 10 days. It is after suggested that he was training patron use member for Comcast.

In financial news, shares on European financial markets thrust when German authorities announce that one of a Greek goats is indeed a rarely mutated squirrel.

Speaking of unnatural: The US Food and Drug Administration approves a sale of genetically mutated potatoes and apples, observant that they “offer many nutritive benefits” and are “completely safe” supposing that consumers “do not annoy them.”

In a oppressive pointer that a winter is not over, Boston Mayor Martin J. Walsh is eaten by a frigid bear.

Steve Wacksman

Abroad, tensions towering on a Korean peninsula when North Korea, in an singular cyberattack, posts an estimated 23 million disastrous reviews of South Korea on Yelp.

Speaking of tension, in . . .  

APRIL

. . . Washington, D.C., is strike by a energy outage, definition that for several harrowing hours a rest of a republic is forced to form a possess policies. A week later, Washington is again jarred when a Florida mailman, origination a absolute matter for or opposite something, lands a gyrocopter on a grass of a Capitol Building. He immediately becomes a front-runner for a Republican presidential nomination.

Elsewhere in politics, Hillary Clinton declares her candidacy for boss and sets out to denote that she is a unchanging tellurian by roving to Iowa in a tradition outpost driven by Secret Service agents. In Maumee, Ohio, she stops during a Chipotle for takeout, a news eventuality that produces a stroke of domestic journalism. The New York Times (we are not origination this broadcasting up) breaks a story, stating that Clinton wore sunglasses and systematic a duck burrito bowl. Bloomberg gets a follow-up scoop, stating that a Clinton party’s check was “$20 and some change” yet Clinton “did not leave a tip.” Politico runs a story headlined (we are still not origination this up) “The ‘everyday people’ who done Hillary Clinton’s burrito bowl.” Incredibly, nobody thinks to do a form of a chicken.

In other broadcasting news, Rolling Stone apologizes for a discredited story about an purported rape during a college companionship and announces that it has trained a lead fact-checker, Brian Williams.

Responding with extreme measures to California’s worsening drought, Governor Jerry Brown announces a origination of a state Saliva Conservation Board.

Abroad, Djoomart Otorbaev resigns as primary apportion of Kyrgyzstan, citing an inability to get business cards with all spelled correctly.

In sports, a NCAA men’s basketball contest is won by a New England Patriots, who improved a University of Wisconsin 2-0 in a diversion featuring a basketball arrogant to fundamentally a same vigour as a roadkill squirrel.

Speaking of sports scandals, in . . .

MAY

. . . general soccer is rocked by allegations that temptation was concerned in awarding a 2022 World Cup to Qatar, a republic with small soccer tradition, as evidenced by a fact that a 12 stadiums it skeleton for a contest all underline immeasurable musical fountains in a core of a personification field.

But a immeasurable sports story is a long-awaited — we’re articulate decades — boxing compare between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao for a undisputed universe pretension in a Older Guys Basically Standing Around division. Mayweather wins a quarrel and takes home $220 million, that works out to a small over $70 million per punch indeed landed, afterwards celebrates by attempting to arise adult his entourage.

Elsewhere in sports, a Kentucky Derby is won by New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady, roving parsimonious finish Rob Gronkowski. All a tangible horses in a competition mysteriously fall during a starting line from what Coach Bill Belichick speculates could be “allergies.” Brady also wins a Indianapolis 500 pushing a US Army M1 Abrams conflict tank that averages usually 30 miles per hour yet proves to be intensely formidable for a other vehicles to pass.

In Garland, Texas, dual armed group are gunned down by troops after they open glow external an vaunt of Mohammed cartoons, highlighting a need for a inhabitant review on a problem of cartoonists sketch things that leave eremite fanatics with no choice yet to try to kill them. James Taylor is unavailable, so sovereign authorities dispatch The Captain and Tennille to a scene, where they perform a absolute chronicle of “Muskrat Love.”

As California’s drought continues to worsen, Governor Brown announces a argumentative service devise involving Lake Superior and a 17-million-foot hose.

In a unfortunate development, a Seattle preference store is attacked during gunpoint by what troops brand from a notice video as a genetically mutated potato.

Speaking of disturbing, in . . .  

JUNE

. . . a news on an clandestine review into airfield confidence reveals that Transportation Security Administration screeners unsuccessful to detect criminialized items, including weapons and explosives, 67 out of 70 times. Responding to a report, TSA officials state: “What report? We don’t see any report.”

In a ancestral preference on happy rights, a nation’s top authorised authority — Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky — overturns a US Supreme Court’s statute that state laws banning same-sex matrimony are unconstitutional.

Steve Wacksman

Meanwhile, in what is widely hailed as a dauntless and confidant arrangement of aplomb and courage, a 65-year-old lady allows herself to be graphic on a cover of Vanity Fair wearing usually a corset.

In other gender news, a Treasury Department asks for submit from a open on that lady will be decorated on a redesigned $10 bill. The evident front-runners are Mary Ann, Ginger, Taylor Swift, and a dual sisters from Frozen.

On a domestic front, a immeasurable story is Donald Trump, who declares his candidacy for boss and lays out a bold, inclusive prophesy for America consisting of whatever suspicion is sharp-witted by his mind during that sold moment. Also dogmatic his candidacy, and likely by a experts to do apart better, is Jeb Bush, whose central discuss aphorism is: “Jeb!  —  The Exclamation Mark Denotes Enthusiasm.”

Speaking of excitement, in . . .

JULY

 . . . a New Horizons interplanetary probe, carrying trafficked some-more than 3 billion miles over scarcely 10 years, finally reaches Pluto and transmits behind information proof conclusively — in a find that sends startle waves of bladder malfunction around a astronomy community — that Pluto consists of both ice AND rocks.

The republic reacts with fear to a news that a Minnesota dentist has killed Cecil a World’s Suddenly Most Beloved Lion. The dentist now becomes a less-popular chronicle of Hitler and goes into stealing to shun animal-rights activists melancholy to give him a base waterway with a sequence saw. This story totally dominates a news for a improved partial of a week, that we will eventually demeanour behind on as an trusting time.

Hackers announce that they have damaged into a Ashley Madison website and performed personal information on millions of clients allegedly seeking to have affairs. A statistical research will after exhibit that, of a 37 million accounts hacked, usually 23 belonged to tangible women, 21 of whom were Ashley Madison employees posing as clients. The remaining dual belonged to Miley Cyrus.

Elsewhere on a tech front, Microsoft releases Windows 10, which, in a widely hailed breakthrough, turns Windows 8 behind into Windows 7.

In domestic news, a swarming margin of Republican presidential hopefuls is assimilated by a chairman named “John Kasich,” who claims to have during one time been administrator of Ohio, nonetheless nobody can determine this. On a Democratic side, unrestrained builds for a candidacy of 147-year-old revolutionary Bernie Sanders and his populist devise for reining in Wall Street around a multiple of stricter financial controls and vital beheadings.

In other financial news, a International Monetary Fund sends a collection representative to Athens, usually to learn that a Greek supervision has changed out of Greece yet withdrawal a forwarding address. Also, a Acropolis is missing.

Speaking of missing: In Mexico, barbarous drug duke “El Chapo” (literally, “The Chap”) escapes from a “maximum-security” jail around an elaborate hovel that somehow was dug to his dungeon yet anybody noticing.

But a immeasurable general news comes from Vienna, where Iran signs a understanding with a United States and 5 other nations underneath that Iran, in sell for a lot of money, promises to stop perplexing to build a chief bomb. President Obama says a understanding “makes a country, and a world, safer and some-more secure.” For his part, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says, quote, “Death to America,” yet he says it in what US negotiators report as “a softer tone.”

In sports, a United States wins a Women’s World Cup, defeating Japan 5-2, with 3 of a goals being scored by Tom Brady wearing a Brandi Chastain indication sports bra.

Speaking of hot, in . . .  

AUGUST

 . . . a National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reports that Jul was a hottest month ever available globally. With a renewed clarity of urgency, a world’s industrialized nations vouch to continue promulgation immeasurable delegations around jumbo jets to apart conferences on meridian change until this darned thing has been licked.

In politics, a Republicans reason their initial presidential debate, featuring approximately 75 possibilities trimming external in recognition from Donald Trump during core theatre to John Kasich and a late Warren G. Harding out during a apart edges. Jeb Bush has an off night, descending defunct several times during his possess answers. Ben Carson does better, solely for when he identifies Pyongyang as “a kind of lobster.”

On a Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to have no choice yet to hurl her eyes over all these annoying scandals that her enemies keep forgetful adult to forestall her from portion a American people, generally women. The tide liaison involves a e-mail server she used as secretary of state, which, in a flaw from government-security standards, was located in her home and had her personal tip cue (“PASSWORD”) created on a gummy note stranded to a front.

In financial news, a batch marketplace unexpected plunges some-more than 1,000 points. Small investors are urged not to panic by financial experts who (a) did not envision a plunge, (b) can't explain because it happened, (c) have no conceivable thought what will occur next, and (d) have their possess income invested in collectible fridge magnets.

Abroad, a German Parliament votes to give nonetheless another financial bailout to Greece, in lapse for that Greece agrees not to tell photographs of Angela Merkel naked.

In embankment news, President Obama signs an executive sequence strictly changing a name of North America’s tallest mountain, Mount McKinley, behind to a normal Native American name, Elvis.

Speaking of stone stars, in . . .

SEPTEMBER

 . . . a renouned Pope Francis becomes a initial pope ever to residence a dilemma assembly of Congress, arising a absolute plea to a lawmakers to work together toward elucidate dire universe problems, including hatred, poverty, and pollution. Congress, desirous to take singular bipartisan movement yet apparently confused by Francis’s thick accent, votes unanimously to announce quarrel on Greenland.

In domestic news, The New York Times runs a following actual headline: “Hillary Clinton to Show More Humor and Heart, Aides Say.” Clinton reportedly will arrangement 17 percent some-more amusement and 23 percent some-more heart, according to unknown Clinton aides who were briefed by unknown Clinton strategists who had approach entrance to what one source, who asked not to be named, described as “a high-level Clinton confidante.”

On a Republican side, Rick Perry and Scott Walker dump out of a presidential competition after polls uncover them both trailing a late Warren G. Harding. Meanwhile Donald Trump continues to benefaction his prophesy for America’s destiny in a form of a solid tide of fast stoical tweets scornful people who have annoyed him. Excited Apple fans line adult to squeeze a new iPhone 6s, that is matching to a iPhone 6, solely it has a special alarm that will warning Apple fans accurately when to line adult to squeeze a subsequent new iPhone, due out in approximately 3 months.

In business news, a Environmental Protection Agency accuses Volkswagen of cheating on emissions testing, precipitating an general liaison that eventually army VW’s Martin Winterkorn to renounce and take a pursuit as apparatus manager for a New England Patriots.

Speaking of scandals, in . . .

OCTOBER

. . . Hillary Clinton testifies for 127 true hours before a House Committee on Investigating Benghazi Until a Earth Crashes Into a Sun. There are many irritable exchanges between Clinton and Republican congressmen, yet in a finish a American open has a many clearer design of a intensely high spin of mutual loathsome that creates a supervision work a approach it does.

In other domestic news, a chairman job himself “Lincoln Chafee” manages to get onto a theatre of a Democratic presidential candidates’ discuss on CNN and make several process statements before he is beheld by confidence and escorted out.

After many agonizing, Vice President Joe Biden announces he will not run for president, stressing that a preference had zero to do with a severed equine conduct wearing a HILLARY! symbol he found in his bed, that Biden says he believes “was meant in a understanding way.”

Meanwhile, a Republican candidates’ discuss on CNBC takes a sharp-witted spin when Ted Cruz, responding to a doubt about a sovereign bill agreement, throws a chair during judge Carl Quintanilla, environment off a turn of acclaim so shrill that it awakens Jeb Bush, who records that as administrator of Florida he had a clever record of compelling seat safety. Knowledgeable Washington insiders announce that a transparent discuss winners are Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Chris Christie, so it is no warn that Donald Trump and Ben Carson swell still over forward in a polls.

Steve Wacksman

In sports, FIFA, a scandal-plagued ruling physique of general soccer, suspends a president, Sepp “Sepp” Blatter. Among those seeking to reinstate him is a South African businessman named — we are not origination this name up — Tokyo Sexwale.

A outrageous infantry airship breaks lax from a moorings and rampages opposite Pennsylvania, wreaking massacre and knocking out energy for thousands before being lured behind into chains by a Hello Kitty airship fast borrowed from a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Speaking of havoc, in . . .

NOVEMBER

 . . . a universe reels in startle after horrific militant attacks in Paris and Mali. With rumors of new threats entrance daily, a US State Department quickly considers unleashing Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand (code name “Doomsday Duet”) to sing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” yet elects instead to emanate a Worldwide Travel Alert, warning American adults to equivocate potentially dangerous areas, “especially a Northern and Southern Hemispheres.”

But Nov is not usually a time for fear: It is also a time, as Thanksgiving ushers in a holiday season, for all Americans, regardless of ethnicity, religion, or domestic views, to be deeply offended. Nobody is some-more annoyed than college students, who theatre a array of protests over a racism, sexism, fascism, heteronormism, and — trigger warning — insensitive Halloween costumes that consecrate a festering hellhole of hurtful things that is a complicated American college campus and THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

Also deeply annoyed are people who have taken time out of their bustling lives to notice that a 2015 Starbucks holiday crater is usually plain red and — trigger warning — does not have snowflakes or reindeer on it. This is nonetheless another storm in a War on Christmas, that has totally separated Christmas from a lives solely for Christmas carols personification on loudspeakers everywhere and Christmas cinema on TV constantly and countless Christmas-related news stories and an unconstrained tide of Christmas-themed commercials using 24/7 given approximately Labor Day.

In presidential politics, Ben Carson reacts angrily to CNN reports suggesting that he never attempted to gash anybody or strike his mom with a hammer. Really. Donald Trump continues his two-pronged discuss of observant reprehensible things and afterwards clarifying his statements by observant he didn’t unequivocally contend them so STOP HATING, YOU PATHETIC LOSERS. Jeb Bush seeks to revitalise his flagging discuss by unleashing an overwhelming new slogan — “Jeb Can Fix It” — and immediately surges forward in a desired 3-year-old-boy voter demographic.

On a Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to govern extemporaneous acts such as smiling while campaigning on a thesis that she is both a tellurian being and a lady who cares about other humans in a core difficulty and women specifically.

In a vital sports upset, a clearly godlike Ronda Rousey is degraded in a UFC pretension quarrel by Tom Brady, who uses a scheme he calls a “crowbar,” nonetheless Coach Bill Belichick is discerning to indicate out that, in fact, it is “just a unchanging scratch hammer.”

In a World Series, a Kansas City Royals improved a New York Mets. The payrolls of these dual teams total are reduction than a payroll of a New York Yankees, who were separated immediately from a playoffs by a Houston Astros, whose payroll is reduction than a third of a Yankees’.

As a month draws to a close, tensions in a Middle East run high amid rumors that a Obama administration, in what would be a vital escalation of American presence, is deliberation party a Black Friday sale in Syria. Fortunately these rumors infer to be fake and a misfortune sell assault is cramped within US borders. But a universe conditions stays discouraging in . . .  

DECEMBER

 . . . when, with a ominous ghost of tellurian meridian change appearing like some kind of bright hazard or something, 150 universe leaders, finally removing critical about this obligatory hazard to a planet’s future, confirm to stay home and consult around Skype.

Ha-ha! Seriously, a leaders all fly to Paris, where they and their confidence sum and their immeasurable serf entourages transport around in high-speed motorcades to attend dinners and make speeches about a significance of reckoning out how to revoke these annoying CO emissions. In a finish they pointer a Historic Agreement underneath that all parties dedicate to a concrete, legally binding, and unbreakable report of potentially attending additional conferences during some indicate in a future, nonetheless skeptics note that Chinese President Xi Jinping signs his name on a central request as “Phil McCracken.”

In another feel-good story, Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg announces that he will give behind a 45 billion hours that a normal American has squandered on Facebook.

On a some-more unfortunate note, a Food and Drug Administration confirms reports that genetically mutated fruits and vegetables have been evading from supermarkets and mating in a furious with other species. The FDA downplays sightings in Florida of a supposed “potator,” half potato and half alligator, that according to shocked locals lurks underground, has outrageous jaws and dozens of eyes, and can be stopped usually by bullets sloping with green cream.

Speaking of potatoes: Tensions arise in Europe when a Russian supervision announces that it is rising a new startup called “Tuber,” described as “like Uber, solely with tanks.”

In party news, 20th Century Fox denies rumors that in a film The Revenant a impression played by Leonardo DiCaprio is raped by a bear. “The bear in a film is a female,” states a Fox spokesperson, referring to a computer-generated bear nicknamed “Judy,” who on a same day is nominated for a film-industry animation endowment in a same difficulty as a Hulk. This indeed happened.

In presidential politics, Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.

But with a Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary usually around a corner, analysts onslaught to make clarity of new polls display that, suddenly, a transparent personality in both states, for both parties, is Tom Brady. The frightful partial is: That wouldn’t be so bad.

As a year finally staggers to a close, Americans set aside their differences, if usually briefly, and join together in a cherished, time-honored tradition of sanctimonious that New Year’s Eve is fun. So let’s lift a potion to toast a passing of 2015. Then let’s set a potion down untasted, in case, God forbid, it contains gluten.

Happy New Year.

Dave Barry writes for The Miami Herald, yet he no longer produces a weekly column. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.

source ⦿ https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2015/12/27/dave-barry-year-review-political-pandering-and-suspicious-patriots-behavior/kTy9uqg8w4bg8BSxlmUSgL/story.html

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